I Complain Therefore I Am

Because My Wife Got Tired of Listening to Me

If You Did Something Stupid, You’re An Idiot. End Of Story. Now Shut The Fuck Up.

Feb 16

Posted by Victor in Life | No Comments

Douche.

Oh man! I defaulted on my student loans, and now I owe $555,000! I'm a dickhead!

Holy good God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Allah, and Kwazy Kwansah Karl… I’m am sick and tired of hearing about people with money problems. I read a story today about a doctor with $555, 000 in student loan debt. She says in the article (read here), “Maybe half of it was my fault because I didn’t look at the fine print… But this is just outrageous now.” Are you serious?! Half of a $555,000 debt is your fault, and you still have the fucking nerve to complain? (If you say I’m being a hypocrite, because of the name of my blog, please stop reading this, and immediately stick a fork through your temporal lobe.) You didn’t look at the fine print? And you’re a doctor?! Jesus, you’re the last fucking person I want looking at my tonsils. It would probably take you six fucking weeks to diagnose a headache. I assume it would be OK if I just stopped shitting for like 5 days, came to your office, and told you I have a stomach problem. And then, when I proceeded release my bowels all over your nice sterile floor, I can say, “Well it was only half my fault because you never told me to shit, so now you can’t charge me any money for this visit.”

Has common sense been completely lost on people? Listen, I have debts… debts that I’ve created, and am currently paying off. I have a house to fix up, a wedding to pay for, and random fucking $1200 oil bills. I don’t sit there and complain to a news network about it. You big fucking baby. Maybe it’s not half your fault… maybe it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. Maybe you should have thought about it, before deferring and defaulting on your loans. Maybe you should have reconsidered becoming a doctor in the first place, especially since you seem to be half-retarded.

It’s amazing! All I have to do to get sympathy nowadays is to default on my fucking mortgage for 6 months. Then, I’m a human interest story. How about this instead, asshole who’s underwater on their mortgage? Maybe this will be a revelation to you but–HOW ABOUT YOU DON’T BUY A $500,000 HOUSE, WHEN YOU WORK AT FUCKING BURGER KING?! Holy shit! What an idea! I’m paying for the money mistakes that I’ve made, and I’ve learned from them. If we keep bailing out stupid people, all we’re going to have is a bunch of stupid fucking people, who think that they can just fuck up all they want, and they’ll get saved (which is what is happening right now).

I have an idea. Don’t bail these people out. You lose your house? Next time, don’t buy a house you can’t afford. Lose your car? Learn how to ride a bike. Can’t pay alimony for your 7 kids from 6 different mothers? You. Should. Be. Shot.

And just to clarify, I’m not talking about all people that can’t afford their mortgages… I really do feel for the family that has two kids, where both parents lost their jobs, and can’t find work. That’s a damn shame. But you never hear about those people. You know why? Because they don’t complain. They take whatever life gives to them, and they work with it.

So to all the people who are struggling through these hard times, and not complaining about their situation–God speed. Things will get better.

And for all those people, who are fucking dumb, and who’s main occupation seems to be to complain to whatever media outlet will listen to you–I hope you all die in a fire.

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Your Kid’s Not Special. So Shut Up.

Feb 13

Posted by Victor in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

What a weirdo.

The next Einstein? Probably fucking not.

So, in a previous post, I commented on the Dallas Cowboys complaining that the Minnesota Vikings ran up the score on them at the end of a playoff victory. This lead to a firestorm of complaints from one of my six readers, about class. (Go to hell, Steve.) To me, this has nothing to do with class. It has to do with people being whiny babies. Too many people nowadays say “It’s not fair!”, “They shouldn’t have done that!”, blah, blah, blah… This is most readily apparent with people’s kids.

Everybody’s kid is special, apparently. Who knew? Everybody’s kid deserves a medal, or a trophy, or a ribbon. Give me a break. If your kid loses, he’s a loser. At least in that particular competition. I’m so tired of the kid who placed 12th in a competitive sport getting a medal. If you’re 12th–eleven other kids beat you. Yeah, you did your best. And, guess what? Your best was terrible. You have no reason to be proud. Especially, if there are only 12 kids in the competition. [jgkthgitlkg. <---- This is my fiancee being a douche.] I believe in the old standard of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place. Outside of that, you get nothing. Telling kids that it’s OK to come in 12th is basically giving them free reign over the kingdom of mediocrity. And believe me, there are too many fucking people already vying for that particular crown.

Or how about team sports? I read a story last year about how a girls basketball coach was fired after his team won 100 to nothing. He offered no apologies for the victory. I just took a break from writing, stood up, and gave that man a standing ovation. HE HAS NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR. His team absolutely destroyed this other team. Good for them. The other team sucked, plain and simple. I’m sick of people demanding mediocrity when what I believe this country needs is hard work and winners. How the fuck are we going to regain our dominance on the world stage if our workforce is full of a bunch of underachieving  babies. It’s not OK to be in 4th, or 8th, or 16th.

I’ve got news for you, parents. Your kid–yeah, the one in the corner eating crayons and picking his nose, is probably not the next Newton. He’s probably going to end up, at the most, a working stiff like the rest of us. Especially, if you keep worshiping the ground he walks on. Once your kid gets out into the real world, he’s gonna receive a swift kick in the head by the end-all be-all equalizer–reality. The only hope you have, you ridiculous human being, is to teach your kids from an early age that life isn’t always fair. This is the truth, however harsh it is. Now I’m not saying, tell your four year old that Santa’s not real. Do that, and you’re a fucking moron. What I’m saying is you need to teach your children about the world. We live in a sometimes unfortunate reality, and I’m sick of people trying to pretend that everything is hunky dory.

So tell little Jimmy to try harder next time. Because 7th place sucks.

In closing, I’d like to leave you with the words of two of our era’s greatest philosophers.

“Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home, and fuck the prom queen.” –John Patrick Mason , The Rock

“If you ain’t first, you’re last.” –Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights

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No NFL Till August? That’s Unpossible!

Feb 9

Posted by Victor in Sports | No Comments

This is beautiful.

Football is my heroin.

Dear NFL,

I’m a jilted lover. You’ve taken my heart every 6 months since I was five. You’ve loved me, treated me right, and bought me flowers every Sunday–you even gave me Brett Favre, for God’s sake! But now, you’ve left me. I’m not good enough for you, which you made obvious by moving the Pro Bowl (however terrible it is), the last glimpse of any football that I will see until August, to the week before the Super Bowl. How dare you. How dare you take my sports life, and do that to me. You hurt me bad, NFL. But like a woman stuck in an abusive relationship, I’ll be back. I’ll be waiting around for the next six months, sapping up every off-season story I can handle to the point where my brain will explode from NFL-ness. From Brett Favre’s “I’m retired. No! Wait, I’m not!” to whatever NFL player decides to kill someone with their vehicle to what’s going on with the Collective Bargaining Agreement. I’ll be there. I’ll be outside your house with my Vikings jersey on, playing ‘Pants on the Ground’ out of a boom box.

I can’t quit you, NFL. I love you too damn much. From the first pre-season game to the Super Bowl–I. Am. Hooked. The massive hits, the rivalries, the trash talking, the absolutely awesome atmosphere at the stadium. I love it all. Yea, baseball’s fine for some. Basketball looks good every now and then. But NFL, you are the meat to my proverbial potatoes. Without you, I’m actually going to have to find other things to watch on Sundays. And now I hear that you may not be back in 2011, because of a lockout. You selfish mother f—–. Don’t you know what joy you bring me? Don’t you know how giddy I get when I see NFL commercials on TV? Don’t you understand that I can’t go more than a few days without seeing Brett Favre’s stubble-laden face? Isn’t that more important than the richer teams getting richer?! Isn’t that more important than a guy making 13.5 million a year instead of 13.1?! I recently read an article that stated that there is actually only 10 minutes and 41 seconds of action in an entire 3 hour game. You know what though? That’s the best 10 minutes 41 seconds of my life. I live and die by your whims, NFL. Don’t do this to me.

I also hear that you’re trying to go out with England… What’s that about? Isn’t America enough for you? Don’t we pay you enough homage? Don’t you love us any more? We made you what you are, and now you’re going to try and betray us with a country that, for the most part, hates you? For what? A few extra bazillion dollars? For shame, NFL. You used to be cool.

Damn. Who am I kidding? I love you, and I’ll be right here waiting whenever you decide to come back. You saucy minx, you.

Love,

Victor

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