Roscoe! Let go of little Jimmy's arm!

OK. First. Long time, no speak. Where the fuck were you while I was in rehab?!

Great. Now that that’s out of the way… On to our topic.

Read this article…

According to a study out of Seattle Children’s Hospital ( ‘Killing Your Children via Accidental Overdose since 1972′), 4-year olds who watched SpongeBob for 9 minutes had worse concentration during a mental exercise than those who watched a slower-paced cartoon (Caillou) or drew for 9 minutes. Really? This is truly shocking.

Hold on just a minute…¬†You’re telling me that a child paid more attention to a test after watching a shitty cartoon (Caillou, what the fuck is that? Sounds like the noise a cat makes before it spits up a hairball), or drawing shitty pictures that don’t make any fucking sense, than after watching SpongeBob? Yeah? Really? Of course they did, you effing’ moron! You let the kid watch SpongeBob, then you make him take a test. You go from something the kid finds fun, to something the kid dislikes as much as Uncle Buddy touching his no-no place. It’s the law of averages… Something reallllly fun vs. something boring as fuck is going to cause a different outcome than something boring as fuck vs. something a little less boring as fuck. If you’re already bored, it’s easier to keep your concentration during the second part of the boredom. This is like letting a guy in his 20’s have sex with a model for 9 minutes (if the young buck lasts that long, BA-ZING!), and then making him take the SATs. How fucking good do you think he’s going to do? I bet that he spells his name Dick McSuckhertits. On the other hand, if you repeatedly punched him in the stomach for 9 minutes, then gave him a test–I bet he’d welcome the challenge.

Also, out of curiosity… how the fuck do you measure the concentration of a 4-year old? Tell him not to pick his ass or his nose for 10 minutes, and see if he does it? If you turn around and the little fucker’s got a crayon up there, he fails? It’s come to a point where you can prove anything with a study. I did a study once that hypothesized that a rock prevents rape in a Chicago suburb, but not in Chicago project housing. I took 30 random apartments (half in the projects, half in the suburbs), and put a rock on the floor of each of the apartments. I then put 30 vulnerable women in these apartments and politely asked them to moan as loudly as possible. Would you believe, what happened next? No rapes within earshot of the apartments in the suburbs! On the other hand, I’m currently missing the half of my subjects from the projects. If you’ve seen them, please let me know–their pimps are very worried about them. This outcome obviously proves definitively that rocks prevent rape in the right conditions.

I guess my point is… Some scientists are extremely stupid, and have way too much time on their hands. Beware of these folks… they’re the same one’s who’ll have you believe that humans are going to be the downfall of earth because you drive a Tahoe.