Hey! Who said that?

Hello there, friends. Like a silent fart, I have permeated the room once again. I was moved to write again a few days ago when a long time friend posted on my Facebook wall, asking if I had anything to complain about anymore. Well fuck yes–fuck yes I do, sir.

With the midterm elections coming up, I’m appalled at the choices that lie before me. It’s like asking someone, “Would you rather be shot in the head, given pancreatic cancer, or be raped repeatedly by a horse?” (For the record, the horse would have to buy me dinner before anything happened, damnit. Call me a man of principle, if you will.)

I’m gonna say it, and I know I’m gonna get a lot of shit for it (from people I probably don’t give a fuck about, mind you), but I miss Dubya. Yea, he was a dumbass, but at least you knew he loved his country. Yea, he might mispronounce or even make up words (strategery, for example), but damn it to hell if he didn’t fall asleep in his race-car bed, sucking his thumb clutching an American flag. You know when he played cowboys and indians (on his 55th birthday), whose side he was on. Now we have a guy in the White House, who I’m not sure even has the biggest balls in his family (I think Michelle has two or three in her mouth at all times), let alone the rest of the government. He goes on Jon Stewart’s show to… do… what exactly? And he’s more wishy washy than a woman picking out an outfit.

But fine, he’s in, I have to support him as commander-in-chief. I’m actually much more concerned with my immediate area (because I’m selfish like that). We have a governor who literally can’t see the crumbling state around him. Now, I don’t care that he’s blind. I care that he’s stupid. I also care that he doesn’t wear sunglasses–one, because his eyes freak me out, and two because he’d look a lot cooler. But without further adieu, let’s get to the meat and potatoes of this post.

The New York Gubernatorial race.

The New York Gubernatorial race is like a special olympics chess match–which retard is going to slobber the least, and not bang their head on the table until they pass out? Not only are they stupid–but they are brazen and stupid. You know who else is brazen and stupid? Ryan Seacrest. Do you want Ryan Seacrest running New York? I sure as hell don’t. But the problem is, they let all these stupid fucking people run for office! You can create a party about anything. (Just as an aside, I will be running for governor under the “Fuck you all” party affiliation–I appreciate your support). I am a firm believer that if you want to govern me in some way, you better be smarter than I am. And I don’t give a shit about degrees. Any idiot who can pay attention for more than 15 minutes can get a law degree. I mean you better have more common sense than I do.

This is why I propose that we the people put together Saw-type tests for these incompetent people to pass before they’re allowed to run. For example, for the former Madame… we put her in a room with like 15 fake dicks filled with acid (but we don’t tell her they’re filled with acid). If she tries to suck them, she dies a horrible and gruesome death. Killed two birds with one stone. One, we don’t have to listen to her blabber about anything, and two she doesn’t reproduce anymore. Or for Paladino, we should give him a shotgun and put him in a room with Perez Hilton for 20 minutes. If he doesn’t shoot him, then we let him run. If he does shoot him, then we throw him a party, but we don’t let him run (Note: this is not gay bashing, this is Perez Hilton bashing–man, I hate that fucking guy).

So in conclusion, it looks like America is fucked, unfortunately. But hey, at least we still have booze.

Please tell me who you’re voting for, and why. Best comment will receive an autographed signed picture of my ass. You’re welcome.

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