Sweat Shop Owners?

I came home on my lunch break yesterday in a chipper mood, to say the least! Happy happy joy joy! My fiancée and I are cutting back on the spending, eating at home more, and generally, I’m just happier. Then, I decided to check the mail. In much the same way that dipping my scrotum in honey and taunting a bear, naked would be–this proved to be a bad idea. Lo and behold, amid the magazines and junk mail stood (yes stood), a big middle finger to saving money–my oil bill. Somehow, the person who had delivered my oil wants me to believe that we’ve used 369.7 gallons–in one month. My whole fucking neighborhood doesn’t use 370 gallons of oil in a month. Last month we used 180 gallons. This past month, we’ve used the fireplace more and have turned the thermostat down to around 64° F (that’s 18° C, for all my European readers out there) almost every night. So how am I to believe that I’ve used double the amount of oil this month than last?

I’ve come up with a few theories:

1. Our dogs are running a sweat shop out of our house during the day, and need to keep the heat around 85° F when we’re not home to keep all the kids working. I know Jackson. He’s definitely enough of an asshole to run a sweat shop. There are a few things that support this theory. I noticed a tiny megaphone lying on the floor the other day. There was what looked to be a small Asian boy running away from the general direction of our house as I was coming home yesterday. Lastly,  I’ve also started to see boxes of various merchandise in our basement.

2. Our animals (2 dogs, a cat, and a rabbit) are practicing bikram yoga during the day. Things to support this theory? Most of the merchandise I see lying around the house are yoga mats. The small Asian boy might have been their yogi, and the megaphone could have been used for instruction.

3. When they filled up the tank last month, they neglected to tell me that they added a “go-fuck-yourself” valve, which acts as both an oil and money siphon. This would explain a lot.

4. Global Warming. Yea, doesn’t make sense to me either (global warming is bullshit anyway), but everyone seems to be blaming everything on global warming. If this is true, I want my money from Al Gore.

I’m going to call the oil company today, and try to help them understand that I’m not generating electricity or running a plastic toy manufacturing company, so there’s no way that I could have used that much oil. We’ll see what they say.

I’ll keep you posted.

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