Now that's a safety belt.

There are an increasing number of people that are getting me to believe that a driver’s test should be retaken every other week. There are also an increasing number of people that should be shot have their licenses revoked. I’m coming to the realization that there are four types of drivers. Those that drive well about 98% of the time, with the occasional slip-up. Those that drive well about 75% of the time, but aren’t observant enough. Idiots. And old people. That’s it… 98%, 75%, idiots, and old people. That pretty much sums it all up. Everybody thinks that they’re the 98%, but that’s like discovering you’re related to Jesus… you’re probably not. Most people are the 75%. I’m going to spend the remainder of this post talking about the other two.

Idiots

Idiots are the bane of my existence (in all facets of my life, really). They encompass a large group of drivers. The guy who drives the beat up ’89 Honda Civic with one chrome rim (which, incidentally costs as much as the car itself), who thinks he’s in a Ferrari–and drives as such. Now I’m not one to wish harm on anyone, but I do wish that he’d flip his car 30 or so times take a defensive driving class.

How about the “Helen Keller” driver? The light turned green forty-five seconds ago! And I’ve been beeping for the last forty! You fucking MORON silly goose!

Or the “I have to (insert morning ritual here) in the car, otherwise I won’t get to work on time” driver. News flash… No one cares. Believe me. As proof that no one cares tomorrow morning don’t shave, put on make-up, eat, etc. See if anyone says a goddamn word to you. If they do, feel free to tell me, and I will then not care more.

Last, but certainly not least–my favorite, the “four-foot-nine-inch tall woman in a GIGANTIC FUCKING SUV” driver. I have to be honest with you. It’s new to me to see all of these 5 foot tall women, who transport heavy machinery. I’ve never seen that before. They do transport heavy machinery, don’t they? I’d assume that’s the only reason you need the Cadillac Escalade ESV, right? To transport back-hoes, bulldozers, and such? Surely, it’s not just to go food shopping? And then to pick up little Timmy, and his 3 friends from soccer practice? Because, well, that’d just be silly. How could you see over the steering wheel? How could you possibly judge distances, with your stature? How could you possibly know that there’s a car next to you when you change lanes? Exactly.

Old People

Don’t get me wrong–I love elderly people. I just don’t love being in a car next to their Mercury Grand Marquis. Old Pappy just doesn’t have to reflexes that he once did to, you know, pay attention to anything. I’m very lenient with older folks when I’m driving. I tend to not yell as much, because I understand that they’re old. Heck, you’re going to have to pry my license from my cold dead hands.

Speaking old people, I remember this one story my parents told me about my grandmother (God rest her soul)… When she was around 75 or so years old (I was around 3), she went out to a New Year’s Eve party. She drove, of course (a ’77 Dodge Dart, aka ‘The Tank’). She came home, with this guy following her in his car. She starting banging on my parents apartment door (we lived upstairs from her at the time), screaming about this guy who was going to kill her! Naturally, my dad came outside to see what the problem was.  Standing there was this Jamaican guy with this ridiculously banged up ’83 Toyota Tercel, and my grandmother–drunk as Ted Kennedy on a bridge. Long story short, the guy was trying to say that my grandmother hit his car, and he wanted $500 for the damages. My dad told him to go to hell. There really was no point to this story in the context of my post, but my grandmother was a ridiculously awesome person, and you are now better for having heard a story about her.