I am a loser.

I am a tool. There are a lot of reasons for this statement, but it’s mainly because I can’t live without my Blackberry. I know that I’m a tool for this reason alone (my fiancée is nodding in agreement, as she reads this at work). And today, what do I do on my way back from lunch at my house? I forget it. DAMNIT! I had made about 5 calls this morning. Important calls–to people who I need to talk to, and who I would like to hear from sooner rather than later. Business calls. Calls that will make me money. But what do I do? The jerk-off that I am–I forget my phone. The only goddamn thing that I took home with me, and I forget it. There was no reason for me to even take it out of my pocket. I hate forgetting things. I’m extremely forgetful. Hell, I’ve forgotten Sarah Marshall. It makes me feel stupid. And I always seem to forget the one thing I tell myself not to forget. It amazes me even more because I will have a conversation with myself about not forgetting whatever it is that I ultimately forget.

The conversation that my brain and my mouth had today (which is typical of what usually happens):

On the way home…

Brain: “Don’t forget your phone, dumbass.”

Mouth: “OK, I have to remember not to forget my phone.”

On the way back to work from my house…

Mouth: “FUCK! I forgot my goddamn phone!”

Brain: “Jackass.” Then my brain breaks into ‘You’re so stupid’ jokes. Like ‘You’re so stupid, your brain and your mouth are having conversations.’

It’s amazing to me that after 26 years of life, I can still muster up enough stupidity to do these things. You think I’d have learned some way to not forget things sometime during my 26 years (and yes, I say 26 years because I’ve been forgetting things since birth). Like tying a string on my finger for instance. Yea, guess what? I continuously forget to buy the fucking string. I’ve got to try something new to not forget things. Maybe positive reinforcement will work. Maybe every time I remember something I’m supposed to, I drink a couple of beers. That would probably get rid of my drinking problem, but not my forgetfulness. Maybe I should go the other way. Maybe I should punch myself in the head every time I forget something. I feel like that would lead to more forgetting, though.

I forgot how I wanted to end this post. Damnit. Ah, fuck it.

As always, I hope my subtle genius made you chuckle. Maybe it’s even helped you in some weird sadistic way. If not, go screw. :)

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