Everybody has a Lumberg.
I felt it would be pretty fitting for my first formal complaint to be about what is probably the biggest disappointment in my life–my job. You know when you go to college, and you think you’re going to be doing something that you love to do, for the betterment of yourself and society? Yea, that’s all horseshit. Ninety-Five percent of the time you find yourself working to live instead of living to work. I wake up almost every morning thinking about what object I can jam into my neck that won’t hurt so much, so that I can have a legitimate excuse not to go to work. Yes, it’s that bad. Screw calling in sick when I’m not. I’m going for the gusto. Rock Band drum stick in my neck–check.
Then when I get to work, I want to off myself in any way possible. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a Mechanical Engineer. The problem is that I’m at a company that I know doesn’t respect my ability or my drive or really anything about me. My job, like I’m sure many of yours, is the personification of Dilbert. I feel like every day, sometime just before lunch, Scott Adams is going to come out, and tell me that I’ve been punked. I consistently try my hardest not to talk to anyone with two minor exceptions–if I consider the person a friend, or if I absolutely have to. There is a simple reason for this–I don’t like many people at my job. There are too many people that, outside of work, I’d probably trip and hope they get hit by an oncoming bus. That might sound terrible, but I don’t care. This is my blog, damnit.
There are a few things that I’ve learned to do over time, in order to remain anonymous. First, suggest anything that makes sense.I know that might seem counter-intuitive; however, I assure you it’s true. You suggest anything that sounds remotely intelligent or logical, and no one will listen–I promise. Second, don’t kiss your boss’ ass. You’d be surprised how quickly you’ll be left alone if your nose isn’t so far up your boss’ ass that you know what he ate for lunch. Lastly, don’t spread beauty salon type gossip. If you don’t spread gossip, no one wants to listen to you. Follow these three magic rules, and I guarantee that you will be anonymous forever more.
I hope that this introductory post has made you chuckle. Hell, maybe it even helped you in some weird sadistic way. If not, go screw. 
#1 by Tina Marzocca on January 3, 2010 - 10:53 pm
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Where are those jobs were people pop up out of bed like toast cause they can’t wait to get to work… they must be hunted down and killed. they are the lie of the century.
#2 by Christine on January 5, 2010 - 11:40 pm
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When I get to the office, I enjoy locating common workplace items and thinking of ways they can be used to kill myself while working. You’d be amazed at how many accessible items can cause slow painful deaths in your cubicle! So far my favorite is taking the cord of my comp mouse (or keyboard, or telephone) and using it as a noose to hang myself from the air conditioner vents which are on full blast all winter! The thought of this makes me smile so that my coworkers get the impression that I am a positive, smiley person who has drank the office kool-aid! I will be reading your blog religiously, as I myself am a fellow complainer.
#3 by Mark on February 12, 2010 - 1:55 pm
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Your suggestions for remaining anonymous at work (or “staying under the radar” as we call it here at my place of employment) are dead on! Three more that also work:
1-carry a clipboard
2-walk fast
3-look worried
This will impress the crap out of the Company Kool-Aid Drinkers as they will think you are a diligent,hard-working stiff–and will actually reward you for the fine job you are doing (but yet will have no idea WHAT you are doing at the same time.)
#4 by Victor on February 12, 2010 - 5:39 pm
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That’s true. Especially the looking worried. A little furrowing of the brow, goes a long way.