SpongeBob is Making Your Kid Stupid? No. Wait. Maybe it’s Your Genes…

Roscoe! Let go of little Jimmy's arm!

OK. First. Long time, no speak. Where the fuck were you while I was in rehab?!

Great. Now that that’s out of the way… On to our topic.

Read this article…

According to a study out of Seattle Children’s Hospital ( ‘Killing Your Children via Accidental Overdose since 1972′), 4-year olds who watched SpongeBob for 9 minutes had worse concentration during a mental exercise than those who watched a slower-paced cartoon (Caillou) or drew for 9 minutes. Really? This is truly shocking.

Hold on just a minute… You’re telling me that a child paid more attention to a test after watching a shitty cartoon (Caillou, what the fuck is that? Sounds like the noise a cat makes before it spits up a hairball), or drawing shitty pictures that don’t make any fucking sense, than after watching SpongeBob? Yeah? Really? Of course they did, you effing’ moron! You let the kid watch SpongeBob, then you make him take a test. You go from something the kid finds fun, to something the kid dislikes as much as Uncle Buddy touching his no-no place. It’s the law of averages… Something reallllly fun vs. something boring as fuck is going to cause a different outcome than something boring as fuck vs. something a little less boring as fuck. If you’re already bored, it’s easier to keep your concentration during the second part of the boredom. This is like letting a guy in his 20′s have sex with a model for 9 minutes (if the young buck lasts that long, BA-ZING!), and then making him take the SATs. How fucking good do you think he’s going to do? I bet that he spells his name Dick McSuckhertits. On the other hand, if you repeatedly punched him in the stomach for 9 minutes, then gave him a test–I bet he’d welcome the challenge.

Also, out of curiosity… how the fuck do you measure the concentration of a 4-year old? Tell him not to pick his ass or his nose for 10 minutes, and see if he does it? If you turn around and the little fucker’s got a crayon up there, he fails? It’s come to a point where you can prove anything with a study. I did a study once that hypothesized that a rock prevents rape in a Chicago suburb, but not in Chicago project housing. I took 30 random apartments (half in the projects, half in the suburbs), and put a rock on the floor of each of the apartments. I then put 30 vulnerable women in these apartments and politely asked them to moan as loudly as possible. Would you believe, what happened next? No rapes within earshot of the apartments in the suburbs! On the other hand, I’m currently missing the half of my subjects from the projects. If you’ve seen them, please let me know–their pimps are very worried about them. This outcome obviously proves definitively that rocks prevent rape in the right conditions.

I guess my point is… Some scientists are extremely stupid, and have way too much time on their hands. Beware of these folks… they’re the same one’s who’ll have you believe that humans are going to be the downfall of earth because you drive a Tahoe.





I Miss the Days When Politicians Were Just Stupid.

Hey! Who said that?

Hello there, friends. Like a silent fart, I have permeated the room once again. I was moved to write again a few days ago when a long time friend posted on my Facebook wall, asking if I had anything to complain about anymore. Well fuck yes–fuck yes I do, sir.

With the midterm elections coming up, I’m appalled at the choices that lie before me. It’s like asking someone, “Would you rather be shot in the head, given pancreatic cancer, or be raped repeatedly by a horse?” (For the record, the horse would have to buy me dinner before anything happened, damnit. Call me a man of principle, if you will.)

I’m gonna say it, and I know I’m gonna get a lot of shit for it (from people I probably don’t give a fuck about, mind you), but I miss Dubya. Yea, he was a dumbass, but at least you knew he loved his country. Yea, he might mispronounce or even make up words (strategery, for example), but damn it to hell if he didn’t fall asleep in his race-car bed, sucking his thumb clutching an American flag. You know when he played cowboys and indians (on his 55th birthday), whose side he was on. Now we have a guy in the White House, who I’m not sure even has the biggest balls in his family (I think Michelle has two or three in her mouth at all times), let alone the rest of the government. He goes on Jon Stewart’s show to… do… what exactly? And he’s more wishy washy than a woman picking out an outfit.

But fine, he’s in, I have to support him as commander-in-chief. I’m actually much more concerned with my immediate area (because I’m selfish like that). We have a governor who literally can’t see the crumbling state around him. Now, I don’t care that he’s blind. I care that he’s stupid. I also care that he doesn’t wear sunglasses–one, because his eyes freak me out, and two because he’d look a lot cooler. But without further adieu, let’s get to the meat and potatoes of this post.

The New York Gubernatorial race.

The New York Gubernatorial race is like a special olympics chess match–which retard is going to slobber the least, and not bang their head on the table until they pass out? Not only are they stupid–but they are brazen and stupid. You know who else is brazen and stupid? Ryan Seacrest. Do you want Ryan Seacrest running New York? I sure as hell don’t. But the problem is, they let all these stupid fucking people run for office! You can create a party about anything. (Just as an aside, I will be running for governor under the “Fuck you all” party affiliation–I appreciate your support). I am a firm believer that if you want to govern me in some way, you better be smarter than I am. And I don’t give a shit about degrees. Any idiot who can pay attention for more than 15 minutes can get a law degree. I mean you better have more common sense than I do.

This is why I propose that we the people put together Saw-type tests for these incompetent people to pass before they’re allowed to run. For example, for the former Madame… we put her in a room with like 15 fake dicks filled with acid (but we don’t tell her they’re filled with acid). If she tries to suck them, she dies a horrible and gruesome death. Killed two birds with one stone. One, we don’t have to listen to her blabber about anything, and two she doesn’t reproduce anymore. Or for Paladino, we should give him a shotgun and put him in a room with Perez Hilton for 20 minutes. If he doesn’t shoot him, then we let him run. If he does shoot him, then we throw him a party, but we don’t let him run (Note: this is not gay bashing, this is Perez Hilton bashing–man, I hate that fucking guy).

So in conclusion, it looks like America is fucked, unfortunately. But hey, at least we still have booze.

Please tell me who you’re voting for, and why. Best comment will receive an autographed signed picture of my ass. You’re welcome.


Incontrovertible Truths.

OK, so I haven’t posted in a while. For that, I apologize. Wouldn’t you know it, I’ve managed to tie up my fiancée long enough for our wedding to actually be coming up in 2 weeks. As you might have guessed, this means that I’ve been a tad busy. I can’t tell you how many times in the last 5 weeks that I’ve laid out money for something to do with the wedding. Rose petals, favors, candy, solid gold babies. OK, I’m lying about the babies (they only had solid silver babies). There’s things to plan, things to make, things to buy, people to bribe… ahem… tip. Songs to pick, people to seat, family members to alienate.  It’s a big job!

When planning this event, there were certain things about this wedding that I was so sure of  I, in my wildest imagination couldn’t have fathomed a different outcome. I call these my “Incontrovertible Truths”. I will present them to you, heretofore.

1. I refuse to invite anyone that I don’t like.

2. My bachelor party will be a reunion of friends that I haven’t seen in years–and it will be awesome. Rivaling the movie “The Hangover”.

3. I will not get stressed about anything.

4. There will be no children at our wedding.

5. By the time the wedding rolls around, I will no longer be at this job that I detest. I will be doing something better with my life.

And now I present you with my “REALLY REALLY Incontrovertible Truths”. Basically, these are my originals as they actually happened.

1. Half the people coming to my wedding, I don’t like. Most of the people that I really wanted there, backed out on me. We’ve received several declinations, stating “We’re sorry, but we’ll be washing our hair that night”… I find it a little hard to believe that 32 people are washing their hair on the same night. Matter of fact, three of the aforementioned declinations are bald guys.

2. Instead of a reunion of friends, my bachelor party was held last Friday night, alone. It consisted of me singing Gloria Estefan songs in my underwear, while downing a bottle of Sake. I then went streaking down my street singing “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters. The police were very nice.


4. Not only are there going to be children at our wedding, they are mostly the children of people I don’t want at the wedding. I normally wouldn’t mind this; however, my 8 year old cousin gets pretty belligerent when he’s drunk.

5. I’m actually writing this post, at the aforementioned job. I’m currently working on some things to get me out of here, but unfortunately so far, no dice.

One thing that I do know, have known, and always will know (please excuse the upcoming corniness)… corny </ In two weeks, I’m going to marry the woman that I was destined to marry. I love her with my soul, and I couldn’t be happier to spend the rest of my life with her. /> corny

Thanks for reading, you crazy kids. Now, get off my lawn!