Idiocracy – The New American Political System

Presidential Candidates


Hello, to all five of you that still frequent this dark corner of the interwebs… how have you been? I’ve been fantabie-doosie. Let’s get to the topic at hand, shall we?

For as long as I can remember, the American political system has been a joke. Not a funny, haha type of joke — more like a “clown gets hit by truck carrying confetti and balloons” kind of joke. Ironic, sad, and hilarious all wrapped up into one Bozo-sized mutilated ball. The only issue with this is–being our political system–it directly affects every single person, not only in the US, but around the world (because we’re the snazzy dresser of the western hemisphere). But lately, this joke has gotten a lot less funny, and a lot more annoying. So I will digress into some of my annoyances with the current set of jackasses candidates.

I don’t want to get sued, so I’m not going to use real names here, but between the outright corruption and flip flopping of notable names such as Millary Swinton and Fonald Drump — to the absolute incompetence of Men Darson and Tim Sebb. I feel like this is a never-ending cavalcade of buffoonery — that literally ends with one of them running the goddamn country?! Wrap your head around that for a second, if you’ve never actually stopped and considered it… (to paraphrase Christmas Vacation) — One of these “cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shits” will be running one of the most powerful countries in the world. That is akin to voting for a 2-year old to run Intel, or Oprah to run Jenny Craig (big Oprah, not little Oprah — I don’t trust little Oprah) — it’s stupid!

There are a lot of differences between the US now from its founding days, but I do think that there are some things that can be taken from then that still hold true now — all early “politicians” weren’t politicians at all — they were scientists and engineers, renaissance men, statesmen, etc. Not one was a “career politician”. There need to be better pre-requisites to running for president — an IQ test for example. I’m sorry, but you can’t be Pinky and expect to be president… you have to at least be Brain (“What are we doing tonight, Brain?” “The same thing we do every night, Pinky–run for President of the United States of America). Also, you should be required to pass a polygraph test — One lie and you’re OUT. Lastly, and this is just for fun (sort of) — you shouldn’t resemble a muppet in any way, shape, or form (I’m looking at you Lincoln Chaffee and Ted Cruz). No, but seriously — if you resemble a muppet, please get the fuck out of here.

In the end, we’re probably screwed either way because corruption begets corruption, and we’re WAY past the point of no return in that department, so we might as well get a little weird with it while we can. I’m not going to tell you who I’m going to vote for, because you shouldn’t give a shit, just like I don’t give a shit who you’re going to vote for. Just vote for the person who you think best personifies how you think this country should be run (that’s a scary thought in itself for about half of America — yikes). I will leave you with this (which I completely feel like is in the Bible somewhere)…

So I say unto you — please use the most common of sense, when you vote — for it comes with it, a great responsibility. Good luck, don’t fuck this up, and may God have mercy on us all.



Facebook Flags for All!

download (2)OK, it has been a wwhiiilllleeee… I apologize, but sometimes life gets in the way of being funny on the Internet. However, and I mean this with all the love in the world — I’m back up in your ass with the resurrection! I’ve chosen my first post back to be about something that I detest for my own reasons, but that a lot of people find wonderful! I can’t wait for the death threats!

Let  me start by saying that what happened in Paris was awful, tragic, and unnecessary. I feel a pain in my heart about it and how callous and stupid people can be because of their “beliefs”. That being said, I have a few problems with the “solidarity” of changing your Facebook profile picture to a French flag (or any other flag for that matter — remember? there were like 4 other countries who recently experienced terror attacks — but you don’t give a shit about them, right?).

First, 95% of people who change their profile pic just want to be cool. Admit it — yea, you feel bad about what happened, but other than that you’re going about your daily life like nothing is going on. You look at the suggestion to change you’re profile picture temporarily, and you think, “O. M. G. I can totally look like I give a shit about a country that I’ve never been to and never think about, without actually having to do ANYTHING. This is perfect!” This makes me sick for two reasons — one, if you want to be cool, just read my blog, duh. And two, because no one in France — not one fucking person, gives a freshly baked croissant about your profile picture.

My second issue with all of this is that not one single person who has changed their profile pic will fly to France to help the families of the victims. Not one. You’re on your phone in Starbucks (or on your laptop, if you’re a shitty wannabe writer), and talking to your shitty friends saying, “ohhh isn’t it so tragic what happened in France? I changed my profile pic to show solidarity!” To which, if I was behind you, creepily staring at your latte, would ask, “Oh, you want to show solidarity with the French people? Are you also going to start watching Inspector Clouseau movies and eating baguettes? Because they all have about the same impact.”

Lastly, there are terror attacks every day — everywhere. I don’t see any Iraqi flags for the bombings in Baghdad, or Lebanese flags for the suicide bombings in Beirut. What makes France so special that it deserves this pedestal treatment? A tragedy is a tragedy, any way you slice it. The fact that one tragedy is temporary Facebook profile picture worthy, and another isn’t — is appalling.

Now you might be thinking, “This guy’s a prick.”, and you would not be wrong. But my main issue with people who do this sort of thing is that it’s empty. The people who are treating those in France, who are giving money and their time — they don’t have fucking Facebook, and if they do, they don’t have time to worry about a temporary profile picture. Just like the people who campaigned for gay marriage didn’t change their profile pictures, because they were too busy celebrating the work they did for gay marriage…

All I’m asking for is a little common sense — so if you choose to change your profile picture that’s fine, but if that’s all you do, maybe you need to rethink your priorities a skosh.





SpongeBob is Making Your Kid Stupid? No. Wait. Maybe it’s Your Genes…

Roscoe! Let go of little Jimmy's arm!

OK. First. Long time, no speak. Where the fuck were you while I was in rehab?!

Great. Now that that’s out of the way… On to our topic.

Read this article…

According to a study out of Seattle Children’s Hospital ( ‘Killing Your Children via Accidental Overdose since 1972′), 4-year olds who watched SpongeBob for 9 minutes had worse concentration during a mental exercise than those who watched a slower-paced cartoon (Caillou) or drew for 9 minutes. Really? This is truly shocking.

Hold on just a minute… You’re telling me that a child paid more attention to a test after watching a shitty cartoon (Caillou, what the fuck is that? Sounds like the noise a cat makes before it spits up a hairball), or drawing shitty pictures that don’t make any fucking sense, than after watching SpongeBob? Yeah? Really? Of course they did, you effing’ moron! You let the kid watch SpongeBob, then you make him take a test. You go from something the kid finds fun, to something the kid dislikes as much as Uncle Buddy touching his no-no place. It’s the law of averages… Something reallllly fun vs. something boring as fuck is going to cause a different outcome than something boring as fuck vs. something a little less boring as fuck. If you’re already bored, it’s easier to keep your concentration during the second part of the boredom. This is like letting a guy in his 20’s have sex with a model for 9 minutes (if the young buck lasts that long, BA-ZING!), and then making him take the SATs. How fucking good do you think he’s going to do? I bet that he spells his name Dick McSuckhertits. On the other hand, if you repeatedly punched him in the stomach for 9 minutes, then gave him a test–I bet he’d welcome the challenge.

Also, out of curiosity… how the fuck do you measure the concentration of a 4-year old? Tell him not to pick his ass or his nose for 10 minutes, and see if he does it? If you turn around and the little fucker’s got a crayon up there, he fails? It’s come to a point where you can prove anything with a study. I did a study once that hypothesized that a rock prevents rape in a Chicago suburb, but not in Chicago project housing. I took 30 random apartments (half in the projects, half in the suburbs), and put a rock on the floor of each of the apartments. I then put 30 vulnerable women in these apartments and politely asked them to moan as loudly as possible. Would you believe, what happened next? No rapes within earshot of the apartments in the suburbs! On the other hand, I’m currently missing the half of my subjects from the projects. If you’ve seen them, please let me know–their pimps are very worried about them. This outcome obviously proves definitively that rocks prevent rape in the right conditions.

I guess my point is… Some scientists are extremely stupid, and have way too much time on their hands. Beware of these folks… they’re the same one’s who’ll have you believe that humans are going to be the downfall of earth because you drive a Tahoe.